Holy fuck, we are more than halfway through February! Where on earth has the time gone? I swear it was Christmas two days ago!
Some of you may have noticed I have been a little bit absent these last few weeks; some of you may have wondered where I have been and some of you probably don't give a shit. But alas, here I am, back to chat a whole lot of nonsense and waste a whole lot of your time.
Are we ready?
If truth be told, I have been wanting to post over the last few weeks but I have felt like I have had nothing interesting to say. And I know that this may sound a little dramatic but I'm just being honest.
I've also been working about 50 hours a week for the last month which has definitely not helped with my motivation in the slightest.
I also can't seem to resist a beer at the moment either so if we are taking all of this into consideration - I am not doing well at being a “blogger” am I?
One thing I have realised in the last month - and I don't know if it's through feeling fat and shattered – is that I am finding everything and every person to be extremely irritating. So much so the other day when I was leaving Tesco, I was so annoyed by the idiots in front of me on those moving walkway/ flat escalator things that I got in my car and starting compiling a list of all the things that boil my piss all whilst eating a Chicken Caesar Wrap that quite frankly tasted like dirt.
I got to 13 things that irritated me before I started to irritate myself so let's get into it before I irritate you...
(Please be warned - I swear a lot)
People who don't walk when they use those moving walkways
These walkways are designed to help you hurry the fuck up! Stop being lazy and move your fucking legs. And if you do want to be lazy, please stand to one side so I can at least walk past you and most likely shake my head at you as I am doing so.
People who park their trolleys in the middle of those moving walkways
As you can probably tell I am very, very passionate about moving walkway etiquette. I understand that trolleys are designed to lock on to these walkways but for god's sake Karen, keep your trolley to one side as I have a meal deal to eat in my car whilst I write a list of things that irritate me. Ta hun.
Listen, I know not everybody wants to walk like they're about to miss the bus but Jesus Christ, keep to one side and let me get around you. Fair enough if we are somewhere sightseeing and we are strolling leisurely but when you're in the city centre please be aware that we aren't in the mood for your tardiness as we are probably tired, flustered and most likely running late so how about just keep it moving, yeah? Thank you kindly!
People who don't move out of your way
You know when you are walking one way and someone else is walking towards you and unless one of you moves you are going to bang into each other? Now, is it just me or is it only polite for both parties to make a conscious effort to make room for the other person? Because I am starting to really get fucked off when the other person just assumes I am going to make the effort and let them continue walking in their straight line. In all honesty, it's very fucking rude.
People who walk in a long row of people
If you are with a group of friends is it essential that you walk as a collective and take up the whole pavement? No, I didn't think so either! How about walking two by two (hurrah) and letting the other pedestrians move freely around you? Cheers hun!
People with prams
Yes. We get it. With pram comes child. Congratulations/ Commiserations. But this doesn't give you the godforsaken right to own the footpath. I am more than happy to move out of the way for you and the precious cargo that is in the pram as I am a decent human being but if you could maybe slow down a touch as I am approaching you and perhaps seem grateful for me maneuvering around you rather than running over my toes and acting entitled that would be glorious, thanks.
And don't even get me started on gangs of people with prams. Lord almighty.
(Wow, it seems like I am really bothered by people walking)
Controversial but fuck it. Mums and Dads really piss me off.
To be fair, I am generalising when I say Mums and Dads but what I mean is those parents who let their children run absolutely riot and have no consideration for the people around them. I work in hospitality and the amount of times I have nearly spilled hot drinks or dropped food on young kids simply because their parent thinks that the restaurant is a playground is ridiculous.
(expect a full rant about my pet peeves about customers soon)
(Please refer to Mums/ Dads section)
“I need to talk to you about something”
This is an perfectly fine and normal thing to say to someone as long as it isn't followed by the words “I'll talk to you about it later”.
People who do this are sick in the head and find some weird satisfaction in watching somebody panic and worry about what is going to be said to them.
Who in their right fucking mind thinks this is acceptable?
No ma'am, absolutely not.
People who tune out when you're talking to them
There is nothing ruder than when you have stood/ sat/ laid listening to somebody talk endlessly about a certain situation and the minute you start talking about something to do with you, you can see their eyes glazing over and barely acknowledge what you are saying apart from the odd “mmm-hmm”, “yeah” and maybe a laugh for good measure.
And if they start going on their phone whilst you're mid-conversation. Give me strength!
I love dogs and yes I know it's not their fault if they're yappy but still, it's really fucking annoying!
People who slurp when drinking
This is a pet peeve of mine that has developed over the last 7 years. I remember sitting in the staff room of somewhere I used to work and this one guy always seemed to be on his break whenever I was and every time he entered with a coffee in his hands and with every god damn sip there was a slurp.
I am getting PTSD as I type this story.
It got so bad that I had to bring headphones into work just so I could block out the sound as I tried to relax for half an hour.
How about you just wait for your drink to cool down slightly? Or better yet, just don't fucking slurp it!
I don't think I need to go into this one in much detail. Just chew a little quieter and eat a little slower. The person at the back of the restaurant doesn't need to hear you chomping.
And keep your mouth closed whilst you're at it as well.
I could honestly go on and on and on.
I am an irritable person at the best of times but February has really brought out the worst in me.
Maybe March is my month?
I'm not going to hold my breath!