As I type this, it's Boxing Day morning and I've woken up feeling like I've been in a bloody boxing match against a very strong opponent named Whitley Neil.
Whitley Neil 1 Jordan 0.
And clearly, I used up all my energy writing those witty 33 words above on Boxing Day as it is now the 3rd day of January and I've only just now got around to completing this blog.
Procrastination 1 Jordan 0.
I'm not going to lie but I really haven't had the motivation to write anything for the last few weeks. I know that sounds ridiculous considering my blog is very new and I have barely posted anything but I just haven't been in the mood and I do feel like if I had posted anything, it would have just been full of negativity towards Christmas and therefore making me look like Scrooge.
But the harsh reality is that perhaps I have turned in to Scrooge over the last few years which is rather amusing considering I was once cast to play him in my Year 6 Christmas Play and perhaps he's been living in me ever since then.
In all honesty, Christmas over the years has become less and less fun for me. Not to get all maudlin and depressing but my family dynamic has changed a lot over the last 4 years which has impacted the number of people that sit around the dinner table pretending to like each other. So it tends to just be me, my mum and her husband which is nice but can get a bit boring once the food coma kicks in.
So, long story short, I decided I no longer wanted to have a relationship with my sister due to how she has treated my Mum over the years. I know some of you reading this might think I am being dramatic but when you see your own Mother being broken down by her own Daughter, for no reason other than ending a marriage she was unhappy in, it becomes quite difficult to play devil's advocate. Not to mention the things my sister has said to our Mum and how my Mum has told me that has made her feel which has been profoundly difficult to hear.
Sorry, that turned in to long story long.
So, yeah, this situation means I very rarely get to see my niece and nephew and this is further highlighted at Christmas.
I would love nothing more than to be able to spoil them and spend time with them on Christmas day but I don't ever see my sister changing so I highly doubt me or my Mum will ever spend Christmas day with her again.
This time of year also reminds me of how single I am. Tragically single.
I sit there and subconsciously dwell on past relationships where we have spent Christmas day together, exchanged presents, been with each other's families and I end up wishing I had that again. And then to make matters worse, I find myself drunk and almost texting them. It's a Christmas miracle that the message never made it out of the draft section of my phone. Thank you, Baby Jesus!
And this year, not only was another year ending but another decade. So this meant I ended up sitting there going over my accomplishments and/ or failures not only from the past year but from the past ten years. So then I'm reminded that I am most certainly anywhere where I thought I would be at 28 years of age (a constant insecurity of mine) and then I'm left feeling spectacularly shitty.
I don't want this post to be all “woe is me” as that really isn't the kind of guy I am. I normally laugh at tough situations and try to make light of them. But this particular Christmas has been quite a trying time for me as it has really highlighted what I do and don't have which I have found to be pretty fucking depressing.
But I genuinely hate the fact that I hate Christmas. In the grand scheme of things, do I really have it that bad? No. I am healthy. I have a roof over my head. I have people to spend Christmas day with. Not everybody can say that. So when I mope around acting like I've been dealt the shitty end of the stick because I have chosen not to have my sister in my life, because I'm single and because I haven't accomplished everything I want to do by 28, it makes me very selfish and ungrateful for what I do have.
So how am I going to stop feeling like this?
If the truth be told, I don't particularly think I will ever stop feeling this way fully. Unfortunately, Christmas is always going to feel slightly tarnished and wherever I spend it, and whomever I may spend it with, I think something will always feel like it's missing. However, I live in hope that over time the feeling will lessen to some extent and my own festive traditions will outshine what I don't have.
In the last couple of years, I have made it my mission to stay as busy over the festive period in order to try to avoid having those down moments that make me dwell and feel anxious about the past and future.
Staying drunk tends to help too until the January Blues hit.
Over the 2020 Christmas period, I would quite like try to give back to those who truly have a terrible time over Christmas, whether that is the elderly or the homeless, I think I would like to play my part. So if anybody has any suggestions on what I can do, I would truly like to hear from you.
Well, thank you very much for listening to another one of my pointless rants. Make sure you subscribe to hear more from me. I'll try and make the next one funny.