S.T.I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY

Updated: Mar 19

So let me set the scene.


You pick the date.


The day arrives and you start getting ready. You have a nice long shower and use your favourite scented, most luxurious shower cream as you want to be smelling good. You spend a bit of time grooming your nether regions because... you know...


You select your newest and most expensive pair of underwear that makes everything they carry look good because you don't want to get judged when they're sliding down to your ankles do you?


You've picked a great outfit and to add the final touch you excessively spray yourself in the fragrance that you save for special occasions. So now you're looking and smelling like a very respectable person as you are well aware that first impressions count.


You're making your way there and the nerves are beginning to kick in. You are already expecting the worse.


You get there and you've managed to calm yourself down just in time.


They say your name and you exchange pleasantries.


You both sit down and engage in a little small talk.


“Where do you live?”

“How old are you?”

“What's your date of birth?”


You then have to go and use the bathroom. It's the perfect time to give yourself a little pep talk and tell yourself that everything will be fine.


Upon your return the questions become a little more intense and before you know it you're lying about how many sexual partners you have had, the amount of alcohol you consume and that you never do drugs.


Surely this is how all first dates go, right?


Well...


In case you hadn't clocked on, the little bedtime story that I just made you read was actually describing your routine trip to the STI clinic and not an actual first date. Sorry 'bout it... But after my experience visiting one recently, it really did make me laugh at just how many similarities the two situations share.


Let's be honest, when you go on a first date you don't always intend on things getting sexual but it is always a possibility if the date goes well. So you make sure you turn up with a well-groomed area and you sure as hell make sure it smells fresh. Could you imagine the embarrassment if your date was to make their way down there and they were hit with a whole lot of bush and an eye-watering, unholy smell? No thank you! How about we wait until the honeymoon period is over before that particular situation becomes reality, yeah?


But there I am an hour before my appointment at the STI clinic doing the exact same grooming routine that I would as if I was about to go on a date.


Why though?!


I guess it comes back to embarrassment. Nobody likes to pay a visit to the clinic but it's one of those things we have to do to keep ourselves and the people we are exposing ourselves to safe.


What I do find amusing about it is that we almost feel awkward and shy to pull our pants down for a complete stranger at the hospital to assess our private parts but yet on nights out, fuelled by alcohol, we are happy to strip down to nothing with a complete stranger and awkwardness and shyness might only hit us in the morning when we wake up next to said stranger and have to take part in the infamous walk of shame. We've all been there...


And has anybody been in a situation where they don't necessarily want to reveal everything about themselves on a date in case you are judged too harshly? This means being vague and downplaying the number of people you have slept with in case your number is too high and your date thinks you aren't just a bit of a slag but that you're a total slag.


When in doubt just say you're a virgin.


So I guess when the nurse is doing her job and trying to gauge how sexually active we are to give us the best advice, we are programmed to be defensive and in this situation the best defense mechanism is to lie. I don't want Nurse Sharon going and telling her all her tunic-wearing nurse friends about how much of a slag Patient 69 is when I tell her about all the drug-fuelled orgies I have had. (This is obviously an exaggerated part of the blog that makes my sex life sound a lot more exciting than it actually is. Carry on.)


Also, am I the only one on a date who downplays just how much they go out as well? It's a topic that is always addressed on a first date and how you answer can be detrimental to securing a second date. I guess being with somebody who is out constantly isn't exactly a desirable attribute to somebody's character but surely doing it whilst single is the right time to do it, yeah? You have nobody waiting at home for you and you're not choosing a party over your partner. Once you're in a relationship and the party never seems to end, that's when it could become a real issue.


But yet I find myself lying to poor Nurse Sharon who is obligated to ask these questions to paint an accurate picture of me and identify potential issues. I don't want the judgment when she asks me how many units of alcohol I consume a week because I know if I told her the truth she would most certainly think I have a problem. Oh well – daddy issues, trust issues, anxiety. Might as well add alcoholic to the list, hey?!


“And what about drugs Jordan?”.


No comment Sharon.


Anyway, I hope you enjoyed me waffling on about a whole lot of nonsense yet again. If you did enjoy it please feel free to subscribe so that you will get a notification when I post something.


I would also like to thank everybody who has been reading my blogs over the last couple of months. I obviously get a lot of my traffic from friends within the Manchester area, but I seem to get a lot of hits from Birmingham and even Ontario in Canada as well. Crazy!


Thanks again, guys.


Have a lovely weekend.


Bye.


- Jordan

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