SELF-ISOLATION = SELF-REFLECTION

Updated: Mar 26

Well, would you look at that? It's just little old me posting another blog.

2 days in a row! Check me out!

But with there being another 3 weeks of isolation ahead of us I have plenty of time to fail at this posting everyday challenge I've set myself.

So today I literally forced myself to go for a run. I went to bed last night with the intention of doing some form of exercise today but yet I woke up this morning with no motivation whatsoever. But I gave myself a bit of a telling off as ultimately it's a catch 22; I won't ever have the energy or motivation to do something unless I actually do it? Do you understand what I mean?

But I got up. I brushed my teeth and washed my face. I stuck a hat on this unruly nest of hair of mine and before I knew it, I was at one with nature with the sun beaming down on my face, the birds singing me the most beautiful songs and the fresh air filling my lungs.

Oh, if only that was true.

I think the sun was out. I imagine the birds were singing. But all I can seem to remember is all the flies that entered my mouth and eyes and how much my chest and ears hurt within the first 10 minutes. I now know what instant regret feels like.

Long story short I soldiered on and ran about 7km. Did I run the whole way? No. But it's a start and hopefully, my stamina will improve over the coming weeks.

Now I'm still waiting for these endorphins to kick in that will apparently make me feel better?

Still waiting...

After my run, I seemed to have loads of time on my hands. I couldn't possibly tell you why. So I decided to take a very brief trip down memory lane.

Now, when I say brief, I mean brief. I ended up revisiting an old blog I started about 4 years. There was a grand total of 2 blog posts over a period of 2 months, so when I start thinking that I'm slacking on here, I am going to remind myself of what slack really looks like.

Wow, that sounds SO wrong out of context.

Moving on...

Looking at these old posts got me in my feelings a little bit. Obviously, it was nice to read them as four years later here I am blogging again so it must be something that I am drawn to. But it was also a little difficult/ cringey to read them as my views have changed so much since 2015/2016 and I guess that's what this blog post is about.

Back in 2015, I had lived in Manchester for just over a year but I guess at heart I was still just a small-town girl from Kendal. As melodramatic as this will sound, I don't think I truly discovered who I was as a person until I moved to Manchester and I guess there's a variety of reasons for this.

When I lived in Kendal, over the course of 5 years from the age of 17 to 22 I had 3 relationships. The first lasted for approximately 9 months and both the second and third lasted for 2 years each. I literally jumped from relationship to relationship and never really got to figure out who I was when I became an adult as I always seemed to be codependent. It wasn't until I was 22, nearly 23, that I was single and this was just before I moved to Manchester to start studying.

So not only am I single for the first time since being an adult, I've moved home for the first time as well as moving from a town to the 3rd biggest city in the Country.

Wow, I don't do things by halves, do I?

The first blog I wrote was about Tinder and mainly all the negatives that come with it. I was pretty horrified reading it back as in one section I proclaim that I'm not “a stereotypical gay” which is such a vulgar thing to have said. This is the kind of internalised homophobia that the LGBTQA+ community is riddled with and I am pretty appalled that I engaged in that kind of behaviour.

I highly doubt anybody reading this will have read the blog post in question, but in case you have, I am terribly sorry for saying something so demeaning and please know that I have certainly educated myself over the years to know better.

The last thing I want to do is to make excuses but all I will say on the matter is that I was a naïve boy from a small town who hadn't experienced much in regards to gay culture. I remember hearing on many different occasions people saying “so-and-so gives gays a bad name” solely based on how feminine they were and I think subconsciously I didn't want to fit this stereotype in order to not receive the same type of judgment. But the Jordan of 2020 honestly doesn't give a fuck who judges them. I fully embrace all aspects of my sexuality and if one day I am a little too femme for you, then I will happily sashay you on over to the door.

The only other blog I posted was titled “Looking and Liking” and it basically proposes the question is it okay for the person you're seeing/ dating/ in a relationship with to like photos of an ex on Instagram? At the time I point blankly said that it was unacceptable. 4 years later I guess my stance has changed slightly.

At the time I had been single for about 18 months and had just started dating a guy who did eventually go on to become my boyfriend. Ultimately he went on to dump me so looking back I'm kind of pissed I wasted over a thousand words talking about the situation but oh wells.

I promise I'm not bitter...

I had noticed whilst we were seeing each other he was getting messages from another boy, who I knew he had had history with and this was making me hesitant about taking the relationship further as I am not one for stepping on somebody else's toes and fighting for somebody's attention. If you like me, you like me, and I'm not going to compete. And I still stand by that.

Upon investigating/ cyber-stalking I had noticed that Likes were being given out over Instagram quite loosely and it just made me wonder if there was more to this situation. So what did I do about it? I wrote a blog about it! That's the most mature thing to do about it, yeah?

As passive-aggressive as it was I don't think my ex actually saw the post (phew) but 2 days later I did bring up my concerns with him which was definitely the right thing to do but I still don't think my behaviour in the situation was correct.

I had no reason to get irritated or annoyed over a situation that I knew nothing about and the only reason I was feeling this way was due to how I had been treated in my previous relationship. My previous ex had often hidden messages from me and was messaging other guys which therefore made me develop trust issues and feel insecure. Yippee!

But as much as these reasoning's were true, it doesn't make it acceptable for me to bring in to a new relationship. You can't start something new with somebody and bring all your old baggage with you because if you do it's not going to work out and you'll be arguing over petty shit that will eventually ruin your relationship. And guess what? It did and it's the one relationship that I never managed to have complete closure on.

This particular blog post got me thinking about another relationship of mine (the one who was messaging other boys when we were together) and how I handled certain situations during that time.

I recall many times with this particular ex, who was about 3 years older than me, discussing things to do with their past and we would somehow end up talking about how many people they had slept with before me. It's not a conversation I would recommend having regularly with your partner but I remember vividly getting so annoyed about it when I found out as at the time I could count my figure on one hand and I think it made me feel inadequate as well as jealous.

Whenever it got mentioned it made me really irritated and I can't fully explain why I felt this way but it was certainly a reflection of me and not my partner at the time. My ex explained that it happened whilst he was studying and living in a city and I guess I couldn't understand because I couldn't relate. Fast forward 6 years and I may need more than 1 hand to count my figure...

Looking back I had no right at all to be getting annoyed at my partner for what they had done when we weren't even together/ hadn't even met. Admittedly, I don't think it's ever nice to hear about who came before you as we are programmed to compare ourselves to others, but if you choose to be with someone, you have to accept that they have a past and are going to have done things that you might not like. And by putting my issues and insecurities on to my partner this is basically gaslighting which is a form of psychological manipulation and abuse and this is not how I would want to behave or be treated in any relationship.

What I will say is as individuals coming into a partnership we all have different boundaries and expectations from our partner and one thing I have learnt is that it is more beneficial to make these known from the start to avoid blazing rows and coming across incorrectly. So for me, I do have some trust issues so I am quite open about this with the hope that the person I am with is respectful enough to be understanding of this. For example, if a partner is still friends with an ex and they message from time to time, I feel it is important to address this straight away or else it becomes a much bigger situation than it needs to be.

Yet again I have completely rambled on about a whole load of nothing but I'm quite enjoying this Self-Isolation = Self-Reflection thing that I've got going on today.

Before I go I just want to say that I hope lockdown isn't treating you too badly guys and you are all excited for your evening in your living room tonight. I'm still trying to decide what to wear.

Bye.

- Jordan

 

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